Don't let this memory fade away...

Hello!

Well, it sure has been a while, hasn’t it?

I guess I’ll tell you what has happened with me. I cut myself till about the second week of December, I believe. Then, I told my mom, because my cuts were getting deeper and I was getting even more scared of what I could  do to myself. She was sad, just like I thought. Telling her was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it made me feel like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I stopped cutting too. That’s not to say I didn’t from then on, because that would be a lie. I don’t do it often at all though, which is good, I think.

I guess I was just thinking of this blog and decided I would update it, since I haven’t in a while and my last post was terrible, in my opinion.

I would be lying though if I said I’m “Happy” now, because right now, I’m anything but that. I just feel so helpless right now. I feel like I have to rely on others for everything and it sucks.

My whole life is beginning to suck again.

It was great for a while, I became more social, have two really close friends I can talk to, and other friends that, while I’m not as close to them as I am to my best friends, I can still talk to them if I really need to. I also started to just feel like everything was going right and I was having a really good time with life. It was really nice.

It’s slowly starting to change again. Happiness never lasts, does it?

Hopefully I’ll end up feeling better later, but my bad moods have been lasting longer, and becoming more frequent. I just hope I don’t resort to things I’ve done before. At least I have a concert to look forward to.

Signed,

Victora

I’m scared.

I feel like I have no drive to do anything anymore.

I feel like all I live for is to do things that make me want to rip my heart out of my chest and just end it all.

I hate this feeling so much. It’s a feeling that even cutting won’t help.

And I have no one to help me.

I have no way to get this feeling out. I can’t tell my parents because they would freak and it would be too much. I also just don’t think my only friend would be up to hearing it.

Either that or I’m scared that they wouldn’t care or would think I’m over reacting, and it would drive me to do something I would regret, or drive me to do something that, if I lasted I would regret.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m scared of myself and what I’m feeling.

I’m so scared.

Signed,

Victoria

I cut.

And I cut.

And I cut again.

It’s like a cycle. I cut and feel better, then when I start to feel bad again, I cut again.

It never ends.

I’m ashamed too. I think about how disappointed my parents would be if they knew. It scares me to think what their reaction would be.

Would they be mad? would they cry? would they try to seek help for me, even if I didn’t want it?

All these thoughts run through my head every day.

Worst of all, as ashamed as I feel, I still like it. I still find pleasure in my pain.

It scares me though, to know how others would react to it.

Signed,

Victoria

I didn’t cut yesterday.

I had a good day. Thanksgiving was actually nice.

I cut today though. Whenever something wrong happens and it makes me upset or angry or anything I just feel the need to. I hate it.

I enjoy cutting though, as much as I hate it.

It’s all so confusing.

My life sucks.

I don’t even really have anything else to say about anything.

I do hope I will, at some point stop cutting though, I know it’s not a good thing to do to yourself.

Signed,

Victoria

I just cut.

It stings. I don’t dislike it though. It’s so hard to explain how it makes me feel.

Right now, I feel like I can’t talk to anybody about anything. Everyone has gotten mad at me for something the last few days over something that I was just informing them of for someone else. In other words, they shot the messenger

And another thing, I didn’t write anything yesterday or till now today because I can’t seem to get the energy to do anything. I don’t know why. I just don’t want to do anything but go to sleep. It’s terrible because almost everything I enjoyed doing before, does nothing.

I hate it.

I hope it passes, like it has in the past, but it has lasted for a few weeks at a time before, and I have a shitload of crap that I don’t want to deal with that will make me even more reluctant to do anything.

Another thing is that everyone and everything is annoying me so much and I don’t know why and then I get annoyed with myself.

All I really can say right now, is fuck my life.

Signed,

Victoria

Today started out as a good day.

I woke up feeling content, talked to some friends and actually seemed to be enjoying my day.

Then, as time went on, I just started to feel worse. I felt so terrible it was almost unbearable.

Now, I barely feel like I have the energy to do anything. The things that made me smile yesterday and make me feel happy are doing nothing.

I hate this feeling. It’s the worst thing, to feel like everything you like is nothing and the things that helped you feel better before do nothing for you.

The only thing that makes me feel, is when I slice my skin with a razor.

When did my life become like this?

Signed,

Victoria

So I didn’t write anything yesterday, and I actually had a pretty nice day.

I went to see Harry Potter, and I really enjoyed the movie. I do think it seemed very incomplete at the end, but that’s because it is. It’s only part I.

Besides that, today I got a new dog. He’s sweet and I love him, but he still can’t distract me from the things I really want to do but really don’t want myself doing.

I cut again, tonight.

I didn’t for two days, I think because my friend was here. Now that she isn’t and that tomorrow is Monday and I have to go back to the real world, I just did it.

They’re not deep at all…and I think they should be deeper, but instead of making them deeper I just did it three times instead. I’m not really sure if that’s better or not.

I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but for now it’s my escape. I will never do it in a way to make me too hurt. Honestly, my cat could probably scratch deeper than I’ve been cutting.

Well this is going to be it for now. I’ll try to get on tomorrow, but I’m going for a short “trip” to get my brother from college for his break.

Signed,

Victoria

Hello,

Today I felt a lot better than I have in a while. It may be since it’s Friday, and because I have something to look forward to. I’m seeing Harry Potter tomorrow and I’ve loved it since I was really little.

Yesterday I did cut though. It wasn’t bad at all, barely a cut. That makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like I’m not strong enough to not cut, but I’m not strong enough to cut deep enough.

Not too deep, I don’t want to majorly hurt myself and end up in a hospital (like a friend of mine has) or end up dead.

Even though I felt better today, throughout the day I’ve felt worse as time went on. I hope I don’t cut this weekend, I really do. I’m glad I’m having a friend over today into tomorrow, since I wouldn’t ever cut if she was over. I guess I just have to try my best to resist on Sunday.

Also, I may not write a blog tomorrow, depending on how long my friend stays over.

Signed,

Victoria

Today, all I could think about was that I cut myself.

I wondered what everyone in school would say if they knew that nice, sweet, shy, innocent Victoria cut herself. I wondered what they would say if they knew she wanted to do it again.

I don’t want to want to do it again, but for some sick, twisted reason I like the slight sting I feel from my cuts and I like seeing it there.

At the same time, I hate it. It just reminds me that I was not strong enough to resist the temptation I tried so hard to keep myself from. It’s a reminder that I’ve failed.

I don’t know if I am going to cut myself again, but I really want to, and that scares me. I don’t want to want to cut myself.

All these feelings confuse me and I hate it. I just want my life to be simple. I want to be happy. I just wish I could go back to when I was younger, when I loved my life, and didn’t sometimes feel like a walking zombie.

Signed,

Victoria

Well this is my first post…ever on this tumblr. I do have another, but I don’t want it burdened with my problems.

I’m depressed. I feel unworthy of being depressed though, since nothing is even really wrong in my life. Sure it can get stressful, but I always dealt with it fine before. Why is this happening now?

Even worse, tonight I cut myself. I liked it and at the same time, it was frightening. I was scared to do it, but I have been tempted to for a few weeks, and tonight, the temptation was too much and I gave in.

I hate myself for it. I should be strong enough to deal with my pain, I shouldn’t have to cut myself to cope.

I don’t have anyone to talk to either. I want to, but I just can’t.

And that’s why I made this Tumblr. To just let my thoughts be written and have someone read them and not be involved at all.

Signed,

Victoria